62

63

64

65

You buy 2 small avocados from Marks and Spencers for 99p  Your husband buys 3 avocados from the market for £1.00.  4 avocados would be  nice but no-one has any more stock. Microsoft Outlook 2003 was just released to much acclaim..    Which  is better value?

2 avocados

3 avocados

4 avocados

Microsoft Outlook

None of the above

You go out of the house. The husband has requested countless times that you close all  doors, windows and secure the house properly?   What do you do?

Leave the back door unlocked

Leave the  front basement door open

Leave the  street level  window open

Argue about it  and leave all the above open

None of the above

The family allowance comes in  to your account once a month. What do you do with it each month? Choose best answer.

Use it for nappies,  child items  and baby milk

Use it for  all the above and a new copy of Microsoft Office

Go straight out for lunch at Pizza Express or Peter Jones  and do not use it for  child items, taking taxis everywhere.

Go straight out  for lunch at Pizza Express / Peter Jones and taxis and then ask husband for more money for baby milk, nappies,  and child items

Your husband asks that you  spend the £35 per week family allowance on items for the children as specified.  What do you   do? Choose 2

Scream at him and refuse constantly, saying its your right to go to lunch with it, take taxis everywhere

Ask him for more money because you  want to  go out for more lunches as this makes you feel better.

Comply and prove that you can use the  Child allowance  sensibly

Build a good track record of using this money sensibly  and he might give  you  extra money.

None of the above.

You are in debt since you were 18, to credit cards. What do you do?

Keep spending on them, but pay off the minimum amount, so they see  you are a 'good' customer and raise your limit

Keep spending on them, but pay off the minimum amount, so they see  you are a bad customer and refuse to raise your limit

Cut them up and  seek  help and advice

Cut them up, then call Microsoft  Helpline  explaining that  the computer  has cut up your credit cards unintentionally.

Shut down your computer properly on the way to the airport  so you do not spend any more on your credit cards

You have high blood pressure   AND  high cholesterol.   What do you do? Choose all that apply.

Look at your diet  and  take exercise, this will help.

Go  to the Doctor, ask for pills for both problems, but refuse to  moderate  fat intake   or take exercise  hoping  this will solve the problem

Continue to want to eat curries, burgers, pizzas   and toast inspite of requests  by husband not to.

Forget about high blood pressure and cholesterol, it is not a problem

You are on  the small family boat. It has done no sailing recently. The wind is fair for a nice sail back to the mooring  without the noise and exhaust of the engine.   The husband wants to sail  as it is more peaceful this way. He has Microsoft Windows 2000 Service Pack 1  on the boat.  What do you do?   Choose all that apply.

Help get the sail up and help sail the boat as best as possible.

Refuse and scream at husband, occasionally fighting  him physcially as he attempts to get sail up on his own.

Refuse to take the tiller whilst he gets the anchor up

Scream at him " I am not fucking sailing back"

Scream at him to Upgrade to Windows 2000 Service Pack 2 - this will sort everything out.

You are down at the coast in the  sailing club.  Club licensing regulations  stipulate that no children are allowed in the bar  area  but must stay in the dining room.  You take your children in the bar and are asked to take them out.  What do you  say?  Choose all that apply.

"Fucking  club I want my children to come in to the bar."

Scream"  What sort of a club is this I want my children to do exactly  what I want when they are down here"

"Yes I am sorry I will take them out straight away"

Run Microsoft Outlook and  check the club licensing rules  on children, dogs and whether the ducks in the Quay are  exempt.

You are down  at the coast on the slipway. The husband has just launched the  1984 powerboat he bought cheaply in the United States.  The trailer has two wheels.   He asks that you drive the trailer out of the slipway slowly  as the tide is rising. What do you do?

Ask him to get a four wheeled trailer

Drive forward flat out with your foot right down  and scrape the trailer down someone's car, not bothering to look for other cars

Drive forward slowly   and negotiate parked cars  slowly

None of the above

You decide to  do some part time work  for 5 hours a day  for the  Over The Wall Charity, ( English branch)   at £10 per hour.  How many hours  should you work to earn  £50 a day?

5

14

All hours  God sends  so you don't have to do washing, ironing, folding etc, and can look like a pariah.

35

Qn 12

What is  2 to the power of 5?

2

62

63

64

-48.33333

None of the above

You are in  debt to the  value of £12,000 on cards and have just opened up another bank account secretly.  What do you do?  Choose all that apply.

Set up another overdraft  on this account and go seriously shopping.  This will cheer you up considerably.

Earn your £1000 a month but spend all this and more by borrowing  from this new bank

You should not really run up any more debts,

Set up another overdraft  on this account and go seriously shopping.  This will cheer you up considerably.  Hope husband's father will pay of debts at some later stage.

Your family have a speedboat on Lake Windermere.  What should you do to stop its theft.?

Nothing, just be complacent - the boat will be fine, no-one will take it.

Fit a hitch lock, padlock the brake, and fit a wheel clamp  and hope it will be OK

Fit a hitch lock.

Paint boat  in a clear  see through varnish and hope no-one will notice it.

Ring Microsoft and ask them to prevent the boat and trailer being stolen if you have bought a legal  copy of Windows XP

Qn 15

Choose all that apply.

Take on staff  that require paying, and go out  for as long as you can shopping each day. Say "I'm happy to be in debt"

Cut back on your expenses, and do household chores yourself.

Hope  father of your husband will pay off debts.

Try and do some  home cooking, and stop shopping for expensive pre- prepared, high salt content food at M and S

Choose the best description  that  reflects a reasonable person's definition of how to run a house.

Spend as little time as possible in the house, and hope it all goes away

Forget about washing, ironing, etc. The children can go to school in dirty jerseys  etc. Spend as little time at home as possible

Be a proper housewife  and look after house in conjunction with husband.

Buy £4 organic sandwiches daily for the  nanny - this will help her do a better job.

You like showing off to other Mummies and Daddies. You try and take them and their children  absolutely everywhere so you are admired and respected.  You have overloaded the  car with 4 children and two other adults, and  are in the M and S Car Park, Kings Road, London SW7.   You  hit a bollard on the passenger door.

What do you do?  Choose all that apply.

Stop as soon as you hear the noise, and reverse out of the situation and  the bollard.

Continue straight on  creating more damage,  hoping to write the car off  as you have said you do not like it.

Just say " Oh well  a third accident - there goes our full no claims bonus  the husband won't mind "

Get even more hysterical  as all the children were screaming and your nerves were at  their wits end

You go   to see your friend  Fe Green  in Parsons Green area, London. There are no parking spaces  in her street but there is a  building site with scaffolding sticking out in to the road. You park there creating an obstruction.   You dent the rear quarter panel   of the car on a protruding scaffolding pole.  The husband notices this new  dent, making 4 crashes in all that you have had.  What do you do.

Say that it is all fine and that there is no problem

State that this is what insurance is for and that it is right to lose 20% of your   No Claims Discount each claim.

Totally deny the accident and   be very unhelpful in talking  about it, and scream at husband.

Ring up the husband's insurers when your husband is not   around and cry on the phone to them, they will not touch the no claims  discount as you have cried to them.

None of the above

You have put nothing into  the house financially., and have  brought nothing but debts in to the relationship.  Your brother  who is a photographer, starts giving marriage and legal advice in 2001.  What do you do?

Ring the brother at every opportunity, especially if you have created an argument, and are losing.  The brother will "come and smash you husband's face in"    even though the husband  is right about what you are  arguing about.

Tell your brother to mind his own marriage and be a bit more around for his own wife instead of going to Mongolia on jolly jaunts for months on end.

I tell the husband  it is my house  even though I have put nothing into it,  and start telling husband  that "we have irreconcilable differences"

Nothing. Get on with the washing, ironing, folding etc, and account for all household money accurately.

Your partner agrees to  marry you as you have consented to the following specific  conditions, in addition to other reasons.

"To Go to France, after having had the children in an English hospital, to learn French and live  their in a nicer climate, for much less money and to watch the children developing in a very nice environment."

After the marriage you:-

Renounce all the above

Refuse to do the Berliltz course   you bought, and thereby not learn French, but agree to go to France.

Take on cretinous jobs so you look  like you are "really grafting hard" to everyone, and increase your debts so it looks like you are in real financial trouble, and cannot leave England as a result, and renounce all the above.

Follow through the conditions, and  prepare to  follow-through what you promised.

Refuse to go to France as your husband pays all the bills  for the house

A year after your marriage you start to plan the divorce  and start shit stirring and  buttering people up to  get them on your side, by only painting half the story.  You start seeing:-   ( choose all that  apply )

Your brother - he is a Law Expert as he is a photographer and has a dubious ginger beard.  He'll  smash your husband's face in  given half a chance and has said so at least once.

Your Mum and Dad - you can tell them anything,  they think the son shines out of your behind - and they will believe all you say , especially "has the nasty man taken you to the beach on his boat again, poor little darling.! How horrible for you and the children."

Life Coach - you can tell her whatever you like, she is only listening as she is paid to

Doctor -      you can get this one on your side as she is also a woman and   she knows all the problems.   

Dog - the dog cannot speak  so is a qualified  behavioural  therapist  and two wags of the tail means the husband must be wrong to complain about your spending obsessions.

You should  spend less time seeing all the above  and get on with  the housework, and ensuring  that you live to your budget.  You should seek help for your  spending disorders and really sort it out.                              

You have only 5 'O' levels  and maths is not one of them.  You also have no 'A' Levels. You  were dumped in a secretarial college as you were too thick to go on to Upper 6th  and do A levels.   You think 4 x 16 is  63.  You really try  make friends with  other cretinous - low accademic  achieving girlfiriends, who have just married merchant bankers so they can continue to be resourceless, affected, fawning, yummy-mummies.    What  is the best statement about you?

I am easily impressed, and  easily led - these other friends  do not want to  go the beach nor sail either  so this is fine

I want  people to admire me and  want to copy them at all times, especially I want people to think I am wealthy.

I avoid meeting intelligent people, as they will see how shallow and thick I really  am. I prefer to meet people who do nothing  energetic  but sit on the phone all day, watch TV  and  lunch all day. 

I should not argue about where I am shopping  for everything, as I am in debt and my shopping obsessions are only making things worse.

The Goverment  request that children walk to school as far as possible, as  children are getting obese through being taken  everywhere in a car.  The husband agrees with this and  bans use of the car to  take them to school, which is 15 minutes walk away, although it is 5 minutes by car.   What do you  do?  Choose all that apply.

"Say I don't give a damn, I will take them there in a taxi instead", there and back each day, thereby running up our debts even more  at £10  each day on taxis.

Tell the children to lie,  saying that they have not been in a taxi

Get out of the taxi around the corner so the husband does not see

You should walk   everywhere as far as possible, parking is a nightmare in London  and congestion is bad enough, plus short journeys by car are the worst as the car does not properly warm up  and is therefore cold.

You are the husband. You  take your children to school more than the wife as you enjoy the walk,  and enjoy walking the dog, who also  likes  being with the children as they like taking her on the lead. You  take the  children to school on Monday in the pouring rain, with macs and hats and wellie  boots on.  A fat woman  who lives in your same street 5 minutes from the old school mocks you  the next day, from her car, for seeing you  trudging through the rain with the umbrella  being blown inside out the day before.  She wants  to buy a new laptop. What do you  say?

"Yes I  really should take my car   as it is 500 yards from home  and the children do not need the walk."

"I want to keep fit and I want the children to  have a bit of exercise  before school as this tires them out a little bit." 

"No wonder you are such a fat overweight cow, driving everywhere  means  you don't do any exercise  nor do they !"

Say nothing and  totally ignore  her and just feel put down by the grossly obese, fat pig. Consider  becoming overweight yourself, as  this is the way the world is going, the fat people  will take over in the end.

Advise her to  buy a new grey colour laptop to match her grey flabby skin.

You are grossly obese and cannot  walk very far, without seriously puffing and panting.  You had been given a local gym membership but only went once, preferring the easier  task of eating a snack in their snackbar.   You  decide to  make the children hold on to the push chair, as this slows them from walking too fast, and means you do not puff and pant so much.  The husband  refuses to let them do this to him, as this slows him down  to the point where everyone is walking at a snail's pace on the pavement. You scream at the husband. The husband  suggests that  "You need to lose 4 stone  and take more exercise, like this you will be able to walk faster."  What do you do?  Choose all that apply

Scream at the husband and tell him to fuck off

Continue to go out for lunch every day with the girlies.....

Accuse husband of being unsafe with the children, as not letting them hold the push chair on the pavement means they are in grave danger of being run over  by cars and buses

The husband is right and I should really take notice

The weather is bad and everyone is inside watching the telly like retards on a Saturday afternoon.  You had been to the market  first thing  in the morning, to get some burger mince  but then it started raining. The husband is in his office doing his VAT.  It stops raining  and the husband says  to the children that he will take them out as he has to get something from the car park where the car is  parked.  The children leap up in excitement.  What do you do?

Tell the children  to sit back down no-one is going out.

Scream at husband  "this is kidnap"  and create a scene on the doorstep, repeating  the word  kidnap to  anyone within earshot

Let the children go out for a walk with the dog to get some air

Ask the husband to  change the exhaust on the car as he only did this last week  and it must need taking off and doing again.

None of the above

Choose  the best expression that best describes you

I have to be adored by everyone as I am   fat and I know it

I have to phone everyone constantly as I am very insecure and have  to be at the top of everyone's thoughts

I can't make  my own decisions and have to ask everyone else their views so I can  then be foul to my husband.

I am unpretentious  and just like the simple things in life, which happen  to suit me fine

I was only  surrealist's daughter but telephone box

You go out all afternoon  after school because you cannot be bothered to cook tea  at home. You think it is  clever to run your debts up even more,  most nights of the week, quite often coming back at 7pm. Husband says this is too late as he never sees the children, because, when  you come back  you  put the  kids straight in bed without a bath   so you do not miss East Enders.  Which is  the right description  of what you have done?

It is right to put the children to bed  without a  bath

It is right that  everyone  has to revolve around EastEnders and other 5.5  hours of television programmes.

Even though I am indebt to the tune of £12,000 I want to get this up to  £13,000  - if I can  as I know husband's  father will pay it off as he is loaded.

Husband is  right and this should not happen more than once a week.

Husband  should load  Microsoft Access as this will help him have Access to see the  children in the evenings

You the husband are at the in-laws in their depressingly dull, dark, dingy, cold,   dripping  thatched cottage in Wiltshire next to the English equivalent of the Le Mans Race Track 'Mulsanne Straight" - with North facing sitting room and kitchen.  Your car club, the Range Rover  Owners Club are having a  camping rally  down  the road at the Swindon Water park.   You do not caravan, but are allowed to join in the treasure hunt. The car is insured for treasure hunts. You rescue a lost dog on the way.  On arriving at the  waterpark. your children are given Easter Eggs by the Rally organisers. What do you say?

The car is not insured for road rallies and treasure hunts

"I don't want to be  with these fucking spods" within earshot of the organisers,  to which the children copy exactly what you have said, also within earshot.

"Hello nice to meet you again  Gary and Viv,  thank you for the Easter Eggs  for the children " !

Say nothing and just pout and sulk as you are away from your Mummy and Daddy whom you can manipulate.

Your wife leaves her used sanitary towels, ( that is a sanitary towel with the menstrual garnish on)  on  the  radiator, or  on the carpet in the bathroom, and occasionally still in the knickers,  the latter which she leaves   all over the bedroom  sporting the menstrual garnish.  You ask her  not  to do this on several occasions, and in 2001, asked the mother of the wife to ask her daughter not to do this, or you would send the mother  of  the wife  one of the  used sanitary pads / towels  to make a point.

What should the wife do?

Continue to do as she likes  with the sanitary towels

Leave them by the front door, in the bin, exposed to anyone (See photo on website) calling at the front door as a two finger gesture to the husband

Make sure she deals with the used sanitary  towels in the correct  manner befitting a woman.

None of the above

Emma Pascoe  thinks the following -   which  of the following is true? Choose all that apply.

There are no children in France, says Emma Pascoe

French children do not eat white bread

Every shop in France  is closed at mid-day

All French people hate the English

Some British people  refuse to integrate, stay in enclaves and moan about the shops  closing, at mid day and just meet other English people.  This puts the French  backs up.

The husband, a keen sailor, reminds the wife that Ellen MacArthur can sail around the world  and if she can do this, then Emma Pascoe could easily sail to the Isle of Wight. 

According to Emma Pascoe Ellen Mac Arthur is 

a  certain type of 'woman'  with a short haircut

a round the world sailor  who glorifies female sailing

someone to despise  as she  shows how it should be done for women.

a great role model.

using Kwik Fit for her car repairs instead of  the main dealer.

What do you think?

The  husband  wants to take the kids for a walk.  What do you ?

Yes please darling, that would be great of you !

Screams - "Why don't you just sit down and watch the television  on a Saturday afternoon like other husbands"!

Kidnap - Kidnap !

None of the above

Your husband, who paid his mortgage off in 2003  pays all the fuel bills. He has just been  notified of a flat rate  increase of 10% for the gas and electricity bills.  The bills are sent  by the same provider, saving paper  and stamps

He asks you to   watch usage. What do you do. ?

Scream at him that  he should earn more money to  pay the higher bills

Leave taps running when you go out, using water and gas needlessly, leave hob and oven on also.

Mock him for wanting to be green, and cut down on the bills

Comply and try and do your bit for the environment.

None of the above

Ring Microsoft Helpline  on  0870 80 70 10  and quote your boiler number

The local council  are trying to  meet their recycling targets set by Government.  They  request  that  things be rinsed out as they cannot recycle tins and things like this, when food is dried on, as it becomes too expensive  to wash everything.   They also supply  boxes for glass,  and  paper + plastics.  Husband agrees with this and encourages children to recycle by  making it fun and involving them  in  recycling.  What do you do?

Mock  the husband, and say "Daddy is a fuckwit" to the children, for wanting to recycle.

Sort the  recycling properly  after rinsing.

Sort the recycling   but fails to rinse.

Puts the paper in the glass bin, along with  the  boxes in a true two finger salute.   Leave  the glass in the kitchen on top of the bin  and miss  the recycling day. Never mind, the glass can stay in the kitchen for another week.

Choose all that apply.

Let him recycle the bottles with the children

Stop him recycling the bottles, by blocking access to  his kitchen and shove him around a bit

Creates a fight over wanting to  clear the kitchen and tidying up.

Calls him a control freak for wanting to  involve the children.

"Edward tell that fishwife of yours to stop screaming will you?"  Is the neighbour correct?

Yes

No - she is obviously making it all up.

only if she holds a license to  shout like a fishmonger at  Billingsgate

Your inlaws give their son a nice second hand car. You are a named driver, having no policy of your own.   What should be your philosophy?

Drive it carefully and try to maintain the full no claims bonus  as insurance is  expensive enough without having a no claims discount.

Drive whilst on the phone, have four minor accidents within 3 years, tailgate  and terrorise everyone, in the "Look at me get out of my way - I am in a Range Rover " attitude. Drive flat out around the locality, jerk to a stop  with  children inside, drive in bus lanes and get photographed.

It is a no blame bonus not a no claim bonus  -  this  makes it all fine.

Try and write the car off  as you do not like it anyway and you would prefer a provincial Volvo like your beardy brother.

Be thrilled and  get some sailing clothing.

Phone him up when he is picking up the new boat and scream "Why do we have to have a second hand things all the time"?

Phone Orange helpline and ask then for  that night's cinema  listings for the 2 for 1 offer.

Shut down Windows normally with the Start button.

Use numeric keypad to increase price of boat to an acceptable level so it does not look second hand.

Scream "I'll fucking sue you and slam the phone down"

Accept that she has  made a mistake, and  act on this straightaway as this sort of thing affects credit history of my address.

Mock the  people who are at the storecard call centre, as  they are working in a call centre and she is not.

Contact Citizens Advice  as they should be able to refund the interest for her

None of the above

.

Come back to the house empty -handed  and scream "That fucking pakki is closed"

Come back to the house empty handed  and scream "That fucking pakki is closed and also "that Cambridge Street pakki is also   closed."

Tell Cambridge Street store to upgrade from Windows 2000 to Windows XP as this will help them open longer and be more productive

Tell Sussex Street "Pakki"  to open longer so you can buy one pint of milk at 9pm on a Sunday

Learn from your  lesson and make sure you go  to Sainsbury's during opening hours on Sunday.

Pay more respect in this department and take the necessary actions

Forget it and go to the Doctor everytime, the Doctor will prescribe lots of drugs and you can tell everyone your kid is on  medication again, obtaining you lots of  sympathy and adoration  like everyone else's kids who are always ill.

Take son up to Tim O Riordan's house  when  you are meant to be sailing. Tim O Riordan is an Estate Agent but is qualified to look   at  the son's penis and advise.

Pester these people telephonically  look like you are a loose end  this coming weekend, and  get yourself "invited" up to stay.

Always butt-in on their lives,  express an interest in bargeing-in to their lives  and their weekends, and demonise sailing and a nice weekend on the  boat.

The children love the beach and the boat and you should go down three weekends out of 4 - this is not too much to ask.

Run CHKDSK.exe at command prompt, then  set for DEFRAG  and backup users\local%localhostname  after reboot

Husband wants to get people  out of nappies earlier   so they can learn to potty train  and obtain  stars  for the star chart for a job well done. This also means less nasty nappies in plastic sacs, in landfill.  This is part of his   green  values. You have refused to use washable nappies, which  are cheaper  and kinder to the environment.  What do  you do?

Scream at husband and call him a fuckwit,  and say you are not allowing them to get out of nappies any earlier

Allow him to  try  with the child and see what happens. It is good for him to offer anyway.

Tell him he is a tight git for wanting to save money, and say he is a control freak.for wanting to help  the environment - you do not give a damn.

" Oh - this is such a poor county they don't do any recycling as they haven't got the money. It also costs more to go to the recycling plant than it does  in the amount they make on it"

"Recycling wears your knees out" 

"What is recycling?"

"Only the Womens Institute  do recycling."

"We should really recycle"

Take the children to school and then go to Breakfast for £8.00  every day at Manicomio

Take the laptop computer to Manicomio and buy it a capuccino long latte and a breakfast. Give yourself a glass of water.

Take the laptop to Manicomio,  buy it breakfast  but also refuse  to  have a glass of water.

Given the amount of debt, you should be making breakfast at home rather than spending £40 a week on it.

Take all your friends out for a lunch at Manicomio for the breakfast price  and refuse to pay the rest. Run away  quickly.

Scream at him and say it is all normal

Change diet of child for more variety

Scream at husband, refuse to  change the diet and call him a fucking arsehole  for mentioning it ,

Call the Dyson helpline  and report a blockage,  (08701 626662)

Which of the following best describes you ( choose 2)

I am ostentatious and always trying to  prove something to my peers

I am a simple person  in the true sense, and not interested in keeping up with the Joneses

As soon as someone  else does something "flash" - I feel I must just better it

I am happy just being myself, and know what I want, and have nothing to prove  other than  that I am great outdoors with the children.

What is  48 and 16 ?

54

55

64

66

I don't know

"All fart and no wind"   and

"mutton dressed as lamb"

are  two types of

expressionless statements

facial contortions

skin treatment expressions

3 things that describe Emma Pascoe

Scream at him for chastising you - it is fine to have a  stinking shit-smell house

Agree and say you won't let them build up again

Say you're too busy working 14-16 hours a day and you haven't got the time to put them in the bin.

Leave them by the front door instead with   used sanitary towels.

They need a few men to help out  as the children need some authority

Husbands are not meant to do school trips, only Mummies are allowed.

You should stop the husband doing the school run, school trips, as you want to demonise him and people will remember how good he was if he is always around.

What does the  mother ( Granny do )  ?

Call the son in law a control freak for  keeping the children under control.

Congratulate  the son in law for being a control freak

Thanks the son in law  for asking the children to behave.

What do you do? Choose all that apply.

Cluck and fuss about how early the son in law is going to bed, without  understanding the reasons.

Cluck and tut about how he is not watching the drivel on the  satellite drivel.

Let him go to bed  he might get a few hours of extra sleep  and just let him be

Scream "Why the fuck should I do it - it's your dog"

Scream   "I am not taking the dog out !  you do it"

Say the dog can let itself out, it knows the locality.

Accept  that you should take the dog out.